okay... yesterday.. i did 3 things which i regret.... firstly.. i cut my hair... argh... so short now... secondly.. i brought alot of rubbish from comics connections... the usual impulse buys which you regret once you get home.... thirdly... our haccp project is screwed... woohoo!! we are sooo dead now!!! but i really have no motivation to push my group members this time... i'm tired of being the 'bad guy' always pushing people to do work... and i don't look forward to doing the final editing... i've kept quiet over the final editing thing.. since no-one mentioned it.. i shall keep mum... i don't want to do the final editing but somehow a part of me screams: do the final editing!!! argh... must be the disadvantage of being the eldest child.. sometimes.. you can't stand everyone being so helpless and you will just end up doing the job to ease everyone's pain... it's like... ingrained into your brain since the day your younger siblings came into this world... you must clean up after them.. you have an obligation to do so because you are the eldest... you must help others... you mustn't be selfish... you must be responsible because you are the oldest... you are expected to be like this.. there is no excuse to be selfish for your own benefit... you have to carry out your responsibilities... why?!?!?! it's a curse isn't it? being born the eldest.. expected to sacrifice for the younger ones... expected to help others.. expected to be responsible, unselfish, patient....

i wish.. that one day i can do something selfish.... or one day not fufil my responsibilities and get away with it... one day not live for others....

don't take me for granted... don't expect that i will do everything... don't decide things before asking me... don't expect that i will always be there... don't trust me.... don't rely on me... don't put so much great hopes or dreams on me... i might break one day if you keep putting pressure on me...

i want to live for myself... can i be selfish for once? can i go on an adventure and leave my responsibilites behind? can i just seat back and do nothing for once? can i be a bystander? can i break these chains? it's heavy, it's painful, it's tiring.... it's unhappy...

but then again.. chains won't understand.... they only made to function as chains... to restrain, to trap, to inflict pain...

chains won't know how to be free, to let go of things, to give happiness....

chains have to serve their purpose... once broken.. they will just become worthless bits of metal...

i guess.. i forgive these chains... they have their duties and responsibilities too... so maybe... we are the same...